Idiotic Zelda Stories
by rct
Summary: Yes, they're back, all 26 glorious chapters maybe if I put them up. The legendary saga has returned for your reading pleasure. A series of idiotic short stories, most with no plot.
1. Mr Ganondorf's Play School

Sorry ifsome ofthemseem a little dated - I did write these stories over 3 years ago. However, they are still as wholesome and nutritious as ever. 

Well, here are some really stupid stories for a warped sense of humor only.

Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Nintendo, but Farfanugin is my friend Jennifer's.

Chapter 1 Mr. Ganondorf's Play School - Putting a New Fear into Learning

Mr. Ganondorf: Hello children. grins evilly

Link: I hate school.

Malon: Where's the potty?

Zelda: I wanna go home!

Ruto: I'm a fish!

Ganondorf: BE QUIET OR I'LL SMITE YOU WITH LIGHTNING!

* * *

Ganondorf: What is two plus two?

Zelda: Two!

Link: Eighty-seven!

Malon: Apple is red!

Ruto: I'm a fish!

Ganondorf: NO! THAT'S WRONG! YOU STUPID CHILDREN SHOULD GO BACK TO PRESCHOOL!

Link: Okay.

* * *

Ganondorf: What color is a banana?

Malon: Pink!

Link: Green!

Ruto: I'm a fish!

Zelda: Purple!

Ganondorf: NO! SHUT UP! I HATE CHILDREN! DIE!

Zelda: Okay.

* * *

Ganondorf: What are the names of our three goddesses?

Ruto: I'm a fish!

Link: Nathaniel, Grog, and Farfanugin!

Malon: Pea, Pie, and Poe!

Zelda: Din, Farore, and Nayru!

Ganondorf: NO! THAT'S WRO- what did you say?

* * *

Ganondorf: Why do I hate you all so much?

Malon: Because we sing the Barney song? I love-

Ruto: I'm a fish!

Zelda: Because I'm cooler than you?

Link: Because you're an evil-minded madman?

Ganondorf: Yes! Exactly right! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ganondorf is led away by kind people.


	2. A Day at the Lake

Chapter 2 A Day at the Lake - Screams and Inflation 

Link: So, Zelda, seen any good movies lately?

Zelda: Why, yes, Link, yesterday I saw Lord of the Rings on IMAX!

Ruto walks up

Ruto: Hey guys! I learned to drive a motorboat!

Zelda: Aren't you under age?

Ruto: I hope not!

Malon walks up

Malon: What's up?

Zelda: I saw The Lord of the Rings on IMAX and Ruto learned to drive a motorboat.

Ruto: I know! I'll take you all for a ride on my dad's motorboat!

Ruto disappeared under the water and came back up in a boat.

Ruto: Hop in!

Everyone else got in.

Link: Where are you going to take us? This whole lake is about six feet square.

Ruto: Let's see how fast I can go in a circle around the lake!

Ruto speeds around the lake

Zelda: Whoa...barfs

Malon: Cool!

Link: My neat Kokiri hat fell off! We have to go back!

Ruto: I don't know if I want to go back through THAT.

Link: You have to!

Ruto went back

Link: picking up his hat Urgh...

Malon: Wow, Zelda! Right in the middle, too!

Link: Now I'll have to wear my blue hat and I won't ma-a-a-tch!

Zelda: So why don't you wear your blue tunic?

Link: brightens up Okay!

Link suddenly has his blue tunic on

Malon: How'd you do that?

Link: Well, this all-powerful author person presses Start and goes to my wardrobe and picks out what I'm going to wear.

Ruto: That's really special.

Link: I know.

Zelda: How come our driver isn't paying attention?

THUD.

The boat smashes into an island in the middle of the lake.

Malon: Haha, Ruto! You suck!

Ruto: My dad's going to kill me!

Zelda: Where are we?

Link: Good question.

Malon: I think it's the island where you get the Fire Arrows.

They stare at her

Link: How do you know? You stay at the ranch all day!

Malon: I'm here now, aren't I?

Link: This is boring! Let's go fishing!

Everyone else: Okay!

They swam to the fishing pond island

Pond Owner: I'm gonna be rich! Er, that is, its 20 rupees per go.

Link: No way!

Malon: What a rip-off!

Zelda: I'll have you know I am princess of Hyrule and your prices are way over the standard!

Pond Owner: What standards are these, love?

Zelda: Err...

Link: Let's do something else.

Zelda: Lake Hylia sucks. Let's go home.

Everyone else: Yeah.


	3. Down In the Forest

Chapter 3 Down in the Forest

Saria: Hey, Link! T'sup?

Link: I'm bored.

Saria: Well, Kokiri Forest is where you go when you're bored.

Link: I'll run around.

Link ran around

Kokiri standing by the river: What are you doing?

Link: What's it look like?

K.S.B.T.R.: Uh.. running?

Link: Got it in one!

Link ran some more.

Kokiri on top of the shop: Look up here!

Link: Why?

K.O.T.O.T.S.: Uh.. Because I said so!

Link: Later!

Link ran on top of Saria's house and over the bridge.

Blonde Kokiri: You sure are cute!

Link: AAAHHH!

Link fell off the ledge and landed on his head.

Link: Ohhhh...

Kokiri in front of the hill: Feeling bad, Link?

Link: Ergghhhh...

K.I.F.O.T.H.: Maybe you should go to the Training Center!

Link managed to crawl up the hill, but gave up when he saw all the fences. Then he collapsed.

Training Center Kokiri: Hey Link!

Link: ...go away...

T.C.K.: Let's practice!

He punches Link on the head, and Link passes out.

T.C.K.: Was it something I said?

That might just possibly be the worst thing I've written and that's saying something.

More on demand only. Please review! 


	4. The Evil Owl

Well, no one reviewed but I decided to write more anyway.

Chapter 4 The Evil Owl - Even More Screams

Link had only just left Kokiri Forest on his quest when he heard a strange hooting.

Kaepora Gaebora: Hoot hoot!

Link: Gaaaaaa!

KG: You are starting out on your adventure, aren't you Link?

Link: I thought owls had no vocal cords! And how the freak do you know my name?

KG: Do not delve into deep mysteries that your small brain wouldst not comprehend, young Link!

Link: Grrrr...

Kaepora Gaebora flew away.

Link went to see Princess Zelda and then thought he would visit the ranch. So there he went, and Malon taught him Epona's Song.  
There was suddenly a somehow familiar hooting...

KG: Hoot hoot! How goes the adventure, young Link?

Link: Ummm...

KG: Gotta go! Hoot hoot!

Link: I never thought owls could go insane...

Link then traversed to the Lost Woods, but almost as soon as he got in the door...

KG: Hello, young Link! Hoot hoot!

Link: Are you following me or something?

KG: Do you hear that music?

Link: I'm not deaf, you know...

KG: Hoot hoot when you see the musical staff it might be a good idea to play a song you know hoot.

Link: Get away?

KG: Just like this: Hoot hoot hoot hoot!

Then he flew away.

Link: Ah. So owls CAN go insane. You never stop learning...

Link then went on and defeated the King Dodongo. Then he climbed up Death Mountain. But just as soon as he got to the top...

KG: Hoot hoot!

Link: Do you ever go away?

KG: There's a fairy what lives in that cave hoot.

Link: No duh...

KG: How about a ride down the mountain so you don't get hit with molten rock hoot?

Link considered.

Link: Well...

KG: Great! Hoot! Just grab my talons!

Link did so reluctantly.

KG: Whoohoo!

Link: AAAHHH!

KG: This sure is fun!

Link: Hey, isn't that the bottomless pit we're flying over?

KG: You bet! Um, I think I feel my talons slipping...

Link: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Link fell down the bottomless pit.  
However, as he is our hero he magically reappeared with only one heart gone.

Link: Bloody owl...

Then Link headed on to Zora's River.

But, there, sitting in a tree, was...

Link: You!

KG: Hoot hoot! You should try something connected with the Royal Family to get into...

Link (getting out his slingshot): We'll see about you...

KG: Hoot... hoot...?

Link: Not this time, buddy!

Link then fired into Kaepora Gaebora's head, which resulted only in it spinning around.

Link: Aaaah! The exorcist!

KG: Gotta go hoot!

Link attempted to shoot him as he flew off.

That one was better than the others.  
Although that's not hard.  
Oh well. 


	5. The Ranch

Thanks to those very few people who reviewed... they will probably hate me now... Two people asked for more, so here it is... they probably won't read this anyway... Oh well.

Chapter 5 The Ranch - Mild Language and Much Drinking

One day, Link was bored. So he decided to visit the ranch.  
He walked in and decided to go in the barn.

Ingo: I, the great Ingo, should rule the ranch - no, the entire world!

Link: Oookay.

Ingo: I shall rise up against the oppressors!

Link: Riiight.

Ingo: NONE SHALL SURVIVE THE WRATH OF INGO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Link: I'll just be leaving now.

Link left, then decided to go into the main house. Thing. Kind of a house. Maybe. Depends on your definition of a house. Just like all the other houses in Hyrule.

Talon: Snore...

Link: Yo, fat guy! Wake up!

Talon: Gorsh darndit! Whart was thart all abourt?

Link: I wanna kill your Cuccoos!

Talon: Hurh?

Link: That is, I want to play the Cuccoo game.

Talon: Right. Well, it corsts-

Link: Wait! I'll come back later!

Talon: Orkey dorkey...

Talon went back to sleep, and Link threw all the Cuccoos behind the table.

Link: Okay, fat guy! You can wake up now!

Talon: Right. Well, it corsts abourt 10 rurpees...

Link: Ell no! I'm not paying that kind of frickin' dough for a game of lousy frickin' Cuccoos!

Talon: Well then you can jorlly well go away!

Link: All right, all right, I'll play.

Talon: Okay. Now, whart you gotter do is catch these here spercial Cuccoos.

Link: Okay.

Talon: Ready? Okayr!

Link caught the Cuccos and gave them back to Talon.

Talon: Well gorlly gee, tharnks!

Link: Now give me my frickin' prize.

Talon: Orkey dorkey. Here you gor.

Talon handed Link a bottle of...

Link: Whiskey?

Talon: Well, the milk bursness was gettin' kinda slow. That there's made in our still righrt here on the rarnch!

Link: What does it do?

Talon: Why, one swig o' thart'll keep any enermy away fer days!

Link: Why?

Talon: Well, morst enermies don' like ter see people so drurnk they keep singin' "Twinkle Twinkle" orf key.

Link: That's... nice...

Talon: Great! Now how abourt you marry Marlon?

Link: Who's that?

Talon: My darter! Why, she'll prorbaly take over the farmily bursness...

Link: Whiskey making?

Talon: Malon sure carn hold 'er own! Why, I seen 'er guzzle nearly twerny pints afore she fell over... all a farther ken arsk fer...

Link: No, I don't think I would like to marry her, thanks.

Talon: Why nort?

Link: Probably not my type.

Talon: Ah, I's ken see yer a chardonnay type... Snore...

Talon went back to sleep, and Link left the house thing.  
Then he went to the pasture.

Malon: Whher wer wer... werwerwer werwer... WHERwherWherwerwer werwerwer...

Link: Are you all right?

Malon: Sure! Teehee! Hic

Link: Ah...

Malon: Wanna know this song? Hic Wherwerwer werwerwer werwer... WHER wer wer...

You have learned Epona's Song!

Link: Huh?

A probably rabid horse started to nibble Link's tunic.

Link: What have you done?

Malon: Oh, she likes that song... Ooh, that has to hurt. Hic

Link: Help! I'm being eaten alive by a probably rabid horse!

Malon: Teehee! Hic

Link then took out his anger on a probably innocent Cuccoo, which began to cluck and violently attack him.

The End.

That one totally sucked. Please review, otherwise I'll send rabid Cuccoos after you.  
Seriously.  
No, really.  
Just review, okay? 


	6. Does She Ever Go Away? A Love Story

Chapter 6 Does She Ever Go Away? - A Love Story

Link was told by that obnoxious Princess Zelda to get the three Spiritual Stones. He already had the first one, and the second was easy, he just had to beat up Darunia until he handed it over.

But the third...

Link: Hand over the rock, buster, or I'll make you regret the day you were laid.

King Zora: I don't have it! My stupid kid stole it and then got eaten by a giant fish who happens to be our deity!

Link: A likely story!

King Zora: No! Seriously! Man, she is such a brat, I don't blame Jabu-Jabu.

Link: Hmmm...

So Link ran into Jabu Jabu, then ran back out again, slightly faster.

Link::wheeze: Oh, I think I'm gonna barf...

Link barfed(splat) into a convenient vase that was just for that purpose.

Link: Man, that fish seriously needs some Listerine...

Then Link went and bought the Zora tunic, even though it was too big, because you didn't have to breathe while wearing it.  
He then stepped cautiously into the :cough cough ohhh...: stomach :splat: of Jabu Jabu.  
So Link tried not to think about what he was stepping on as he proceded to the main :splat: stomach chamber.:splat splat splat:

Ruto: Go away! I hate you! Die die die!

Link: Gimme the rock or you die slowly and painfully, fishbreath!

Ruto: No!

Ruto tried to leave, but tripped over her flippers and fell down what looked kind of like a black hole slash ulcer.

Link: Oh Din no...

Link held his breath and slid down the hole, trying to shut off his nervous sysem.

Ruto: I'm not going with you, mammal-boy!

Link: I didn't ask you to. Just give me the frickin' blue rock!

Ruto: I am way too good for you!

Link: I don't care! I just want your Spiritual Stone!

Ruto: Do you really care about me that much?

Link: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE ABOUT YOU? Give me the stone or I'll resort to violence!

Ruto: Well in that case, you can carry me!

Link: I want the Spiritual Stone of Water and you have it...

Ruto: Oh, THAT stone. Yeah, I dropped around here somewhere.

Link: You what!

Ruto: I said, I dropped it-

Link: I heard that! Okay, I'm going to find it!

Ruto: That's right! And you're going to carry me!

Link: Arrgh!

Link attempted to run away but was stopped as Ruto knocked him over and sat on his head.

Link: What the...

Ruto: Now carry me, mammalian peasant!

Link ran through the :ergh, splat: stomach of the giant fish, all the while trying to throw the fishy princess, but she held on to his head. Finally, he found the stone and threw Ruto off, but she grabbed it.  
Link was so mad he just started killing everything, until he defeated Bari-something. Then, when he saw Ruto in a circle of blue light, he tried to attack, but he was transported to Zora's Fountain.

Ruto: Ohhhh, Link... You are soooo cool...

Link: Give me the frickin stone or I'll disembowel you!

Ruto: (swaying) Okay... I'll give it to you... You know, I can only give it to one who will be my husband... So have it, Linky-pie...

Link: What did you call me?

Ruto: I called-

Link: I don't really want to know. I'm leaving.

Seven years later

Link had just tried to beat up Sheik yet again. Geez, was that guy annoying!

Link: He's probably gay, too... Probably crossdresses on weekends...

Little did he know!

So Link went to the Water Temple, sunk to the bottom, went through an opening and there...

Link: Oh my Farore! She's back!

Ruto: Oh, you're just as dreamy as ever, Linky-pie!

Link: There's that word again! Okay, you are going to feel some pain, flippergirl!

Ruto: Tee-hee! Catch me if you can, my soon-to-be husband!

Link: What the...

Ruto: Well, you accepted my engagement stone...

Link: No I didn't! Oh... uh-oh...

Ruto: That's right! You're engaged to the one and only ME!

Link: All right, that's it, sharkbait, you're going down!

Ruto swam away as Link got out his hookshot.  
Link defeated the Water Temple and then...

Link: Nayru's holy love! It's you!

Ruto: You have my everlasting love... Linky-pie...

Link: NOOO!

Then Link tried to beat up Sheik again, but he hid in a tree, then fell in the lake.

It was in Ganon's Castle. Yes, the great looming black one. There's not that many castles in Hyrule, you know.  
Anyway, Link was in that bit with the ice, you know, blocks, that you have to move around? It's called the Water something or other, you know the place.  
Well, anyway, Link had just done this when...

Link: Okay, this is the last time, you... you... you naked humanoid fish!

Ruto: I'll break this bit of the spell for you, okay, Linky-pie?

Link: Sure..go ahead... heheh...

Ruto broke the spell, and Link took aim, and...

Link: Hah! Yes! I have frozen this fish::snicker: My ice arrows always do the trick. Ack-hem: Ding-dong, the evil fish-woman's dead! Etc., etc.

The End

Don't you just love happy endings?  
Please review! 


	7. Friends in Kokiri

Chapter 7 Friends in Kokiri - Fights and Profanity 

Link and Saria lived in Kokiri Forest. They were best friends. They did everything togeether.  
Only one thing kept them apart.  
Saria had a fairy and Link didn't.

Saria: Look at my beautiful fairy, Link!

Link: Oh, how nice.

Saria: Ha ha! You don't have one!

Link: I know.

Saria: Mido says you'll never get one! Ha! He's probably right!

Link: Mmm-hmmm. . .

Saria: Hahahahahaha! No fairy! No fairy! No-

Link: Shut up, you green-haired freak!

Saria burst into tears.  
Then she and Link went off and did things that best friends did, like slap, kick, punch, and throw each other into trees.

But one day, a fairy came to Link.

Navi: Hey, wake up, stupid!

Link: Shuddup Saria...

Navi: I'm not Saria, retard! Now wake up!

Link: Wow! A fairy! Ha, Saria'll be so pissed... Come on fairy, we're going outside!

Navi: But you have to see the Great Deku-

Link: Later! This is more important!

So they went outside and Saria ran up.

Saria: Ha! Hey, no-fairy boy, my fairy dyed my hair again this morning! Hey...

Link: Yeah, that's right, I've got a fairy now! Invincible!

Saria: Argh! Well, I bet my fairy can beat up your fairy!

Link: Oh yeah? Bring it on!

Navi: Uh, are you sure?...

Saria: Right! Sic 'er, Bob!

Link: You're fairy's name is Bob?

Saria: Yeah, got a problem with that?

Link: Well, MY fairy has a cool name!

Saria: Oh yeah? Like what?

Link: Uh... hey, fairy, what's your name?

Navi: Navi.

Saria: What kind of name is that? It sounds like it was made up by some Japanese guy in a studio somewhere!

Link: Okay, that's it. Navi, get him!

The fairies commenced fighting. One of the Know-It-All Brothers' fairies, whose name was Joe, came and commentated.

Joe: And Navi takes the lead, with seventeen hits to Bob's fifteen! Oh, no and they're tied, Bob getting in a double before Navi could retaliate! Oooh, that HAD to hurt, Bob, right in the place where magical fairy lights don't shine. Oh, and Bob hits her hard, SMACK! Oh, Navi, now what're you gonna do? Oooh, ouch, oh, smack, thwack, kick 'er punch 'im kill kill kill!

Joe collapsed out of dizziness, sore-throatedness, and general highness.  
Then Navi and Bob collapsed at the same thime.

Saria: Bob won!

Link: No, Navi won!

Saria: Shut up, you gay blonde!

Link: I'm not gay!

Saria: You wear a skirt!

Link: Well, then, you're gay, cause you're a girl and you don't!

Saria: Die, you ----!

Link: No, YOU die ----!

Know-It-All Brother 1: Why are you screaming profanities at each other?

Link and Saria: BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IT!

And so Link and Saria lived out the rest of their days as best friends in Kokiri Forest, because someone stepped on Navi and Bob, so Link never became the Hero of Time, which he never liked anyway.

The End


End file.
